If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
