In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I AM VODKA MAN
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
