May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
