i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
