dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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