And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
