I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
