I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
