youre lurking in front of me
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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