mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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