Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
