i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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