do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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