all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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