There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
and you fell through a lawn chair
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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