Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
