my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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