Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
