ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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