You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
