I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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