I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
