She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
