you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
