Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
