She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
