I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
