the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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