It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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