her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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