Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
