Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
