Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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