I faked an abortion last night.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Randomize
