It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
