Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
