Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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