At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
