Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
