I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
His hands were made for my vagina.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
