her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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