the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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