I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
