you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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