apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
