I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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