went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Randomize
