I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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