I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
