Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
