dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
