i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
